Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte.
Oh, nothing really. I'm having the folks over for dinner.
Just the family and Roz.
Oh, I've done it a thousand times before.
Yeah, okay, then. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow.
Bye.
For God's sake, this thing breaks like crockwork.
"Crockwork." I'll tell you, Frasier,
once again you suffer the tragedy of being clever and alone. Ha, ha.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Would you please throw that thing away?
Why? What for? When I get through gluing it, it'll be as good as new.
It wasn't any good when it was new.
It's just an ugly, worthless pot.
- Hello. - Hi.
How was the honeymoon?
- Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise. - Oh, good.
Except for poor Niles getting sunburned.
Oh, dear, Niles, you look like you crawled out of a bisque.
You look like someone who doesn't want
his Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt.
- Niles, you remembered. - Hey, guys.
- Welcome back. - Oh, hello, Martin.
You're a bit dressed up for a family dinner.
Oh, well, Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
- Ooh, a lady friend? - No,
we're going to form a jazz trio, Niles.
Of course it's a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool.
So you want us to clear out?
No, you don't have to do that.
Actually, if I don't like her, Roz'll just take her away.
We even agreed upon a safety word...
Enchanté.
If circumstances should dictate, all I have to do it is say it
and Roz will know that I'm not interested.
Niles, you mind getting that? That's Roz.
Uh, I'm just gonna get rid of Dad's arts-and-crafts project here, all right?
- Hi, Roz. Hello. - Oh, hi.
- You guys are back. - Yes.
- Hey, Martin. - Roz.
This is my friend, Lizbeth.
- How are you? - Good, good.
- This is Daphne and Martin. - Hi, how are you?
- Hi. - Hello.
- Can I get you wine? - Oh, please.
Frasier has the greatest wine.
Oh, sounds good to me.
Life's too short to drink bad wine, right? Ha-ha-ha.
- Amen to that. - Yeah.
Just a half a glass with club soda.
- You know how I love my spritzer. - Oh, heh, heh.
Frasier.
Wha...? Oh, hi, Roz. What a pleasant surprise.
This is Lizbeth. We were in the neighbourhood,
- thought we'd stop by. - Well, how lovely.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth.
It's not "Elizabeth," it's Lizbeth.
Like Lisbon.
Like a what?
Enchanté.
Right. And, uh, meeting you is just super.
Yes, the feeling is mutual.
Enchanté, enchanté, enchanté.
Oh, and for me it's just been super. Super, super.
- I took a shot. - Yes.
Yeah.
Well, I guess we could stop shaking hands now, hmm?
- Well, I'm ready whenever you are. - Well, then just let go.
- I did. You're holding on to me. - What?
Oh, dear.
Dad, what kind of glue were you using on that pot?
Super.
How could you be so stupid to glue us together?
I thought you said he was smart.
Don't panic.
I seem to recall that super glue can be dissolved with acetone.
You know, uh, nail-polish remover.
He's the smart one. How did you know that?
- I knew that from, uh, school. - School lunches.
The Kriezel brothers used to glue a cafeteria tray to his tie.
Well, I suppose we better get some. Let's go to the drug store.
- Drug store? Oh, I gotta go. - No, no, they'll be back in ten minutes.
No, no, no, I gotta go.
I started the new juice diet and I got 64 ounces
of cram-raspberry looking for a new home.
Oh, for God's sake. All right, I'll tell you what. Uh, just...
- Here, uh, just come right in here. - Okay.
There we are. Yes.
Yeah, all right, just a moment, uh...
Are you there?
Almost.
That's close enough.
Could you maybe put on some music?
- Dad, could you put on some music? - Yeah, sure.
What do you want? Pop, big band?
Oh, for God's sake, just turn the damn thing on.
- Sorry I'm late. - Mm-hm.
The Cinco de Mayo traffic was muy malo.
Oh, yes, that's right.
They closed some streets for the fireworks display.
Well, happy birthday, Roz.
- Yeah, happy birthday. - Whatever.
It used to be I'd go out and get a little wild on my birthday.
Now I go out and get a little dinner.
- There's nothing wrong with dinner. - I know. But it used to come with sex.
Come on, Roz. Sounds like you need a drink.
Oh, that used to come with sex too.
Sounds like we got another passenger on the S.S. Ain't Getting Any.
- Hello. - Niles.
Wonderful day, marvellous day.
You two look grand. Where's Daphne?
Who shoved a bluebird in you?
You know the S.S. Ain't Getting Any? Man overboard.
You and Daphne?
Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?
I gotta go wrap Roz's birthday gift.
Oh! I forgot about Roz's birthday.
You don't have anything I could give her, do you?
Well, let's look. Maybe one of these books.
But for God's sake, Niles, I mean,
how could you forget? It's the reason we're having dinner.
Well, forgive me. I've been a little distracted lately.
Especially last night.
- And again this morning. - Niles.
Dear God, if Daphne knew I was speaking so indiscreetly,
she'd be mortified.
Just when I thought I'd worn him out,
he flips me over like a griddlecake and off we go again.
- Niles? - Yeah.
I couldn't catch my breath. It was like a marathon.
I tell you, he's spoiled me for any other man.
Frasier's brother, Niles?
And guess how he woke me up this morning?
Oh, shut up already.
Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and open some gifts.
- Hello. - Hello yourself.
All right, you two, let's pay attention.
This is Roz's birthday. This gift is from Niles.
Happy birthday, Roz.
It's a crock.
With a chipped lid and a dead bee. Thank you, Niles.
Glad you like it.
Oh, you know, I think I left your present in my room.
Niles, will you help me with it?
Oh, of course. We'll be back very quickie.
- Quickly. - Quickly.
- You don't think they're gonna... - Oh, I have no idea.
Try not to think about it.
Wow, he really is good.
Dad, I bought you these headphones
so that I wouldn't be subjected to your sports dribble.
- Please put them on. - All right, I will.
But only if you say it.
I want you.
To wear those headphones.
I don't know why you care.
You're just gonna be out riding on that stupid parade float.
The KACL 4th of July float is not stupid.
Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate
a hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze with...
Hey, you're right. This does cut out all the dribble.
Oh, hey, Daph.
- My God, you look hideous. - Thank you.
I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year,
but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party.
We'll toss back a couple cold brewskis,
watch the ball game and not use the metric system.
Very funny.
- Oh, hello, Niles. - Oh, hello, Uncle Sam.
Didn't you hand me a flyer for a mattress sale?
Ah, yes.
Listen, Roz is running a little late
so we're gonna meet her downstairs.
Dad?
- We're off. See you later. - Oh, okay. Good luck.
Boy, these are great.
Now I can watch TV without bugging anybody.
My bacon is Farmer Frank's bacon.
There's no mistakin' the quality.
Wait a minute.
Is my bunting a-droop?
It's supposed to drape evenly. Oh, for God's sake.
You're not gonna send me back to the Space Needle
with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?
No, no time for that. Come on. We can fix it on the fly.
It'll just take a second.
Here, Niles, grab that end.
Um, excuse me.
This shouldn't come off like this, should it?
Oh, dear.
Here.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Dad?
Dad? Dad. Dad?
- Dad? - Mr. Crane!
Dad! Dad! Dad!
He can't hear us. We're stuck. What are we gonna do?
Let's not panic. Maybe our neighbours
are out on their balconies. We'll call out.
- Hello. - Hello?
Yeah, Mr. Winston, are you home?
Hello?
The Blue Angels.
Wow!
- What? - Locked out.
Roz, how long does a baseball match last?
- Well, usually three hours. - Oh, dear.
Sucks. I don't even have my cell phone.
Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?
Roz, I'm Uncle Sam. I don't have a cell phone.
I shouldn't even have this zipper.
It's gotta be a hundred degrees out here. I'm roasting in these things.
That's it. These clothes are coming off.
Oh, that's all right, Niles. Allow me.
Daphne.
Coming.
Hello, Crane residence.
Oh, hello, Mum. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, it's the holiday where everyone eats turkey.
No, we're having goose.
When you're finished,
could you bring up some snacks to soak up this wine?
Yes, and a little more wine.
Who knew my sorrows would be such strong swimmers?
Well.
I can't talk right now, Mum. Dr. Crane has guests.
Yeah, he's still out of work.
Of course I'm worried he might let me go.
I worry about it every day.
But I'm coping.
Alice is so cute.
She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
I'm right behind her.
Niles, would you please stop being so morose?
It is Thanksgiving.
Oh, you're right.
I should count my blessings.
I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce,
Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-la,
which is the devil's own apartment complex
where last night they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.
We're all going through a bit of a rough patch.
Look at Roz and me. We're out of a job.
Not me. I just took a phone temp job in customer service.
I can work from wherever I am. They just patch the calls through.
Now you see, there's a positive attitude.
Some people see losing a job as an opportunity.
Oh, thank you, Daphne.
Hello?
Oh, hello.
Yes, this is Monique.
I'm just lying in the tub soaping myself all over.
Good heavens, Roz, is that the sort of customer you're servicing?
Hang that up.
Call me later, tiger, okay?
What? It pays the bills. And I'm not tied to a desk.
Not unless they ask you to be.
Well, good news. The Cowboys just scored.
Bad news is I kind of screamed and woke somebody's baby up.
Oh, Daphne, my bath-salts man
has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend.
Could you please run me a tub tonight?
- Of course I will, Dr. Crane. - Thank you.
What would you do without me?
Ah.
A little more?
I know things have been tough lately, but they'll turn around for you.
Just watch.
She's an angel.
You're right, Frasier.
I'm being too morose, not taking action.
I'm telling Daphne I love her.
- Tonight. - Niles, let's not be rash. Come on.
Come on, let's get you some fresh air.
- Don't want air. I want Daphne. - Come, come.
Hello?
Well, thank you. You've got a nice deep voice too.
Uh, oh, I don't know.
Brown pants and a plaid shirt.
Hello? Hello?
Is everything all right? What's wrong with Niles?
He decided that today's the day he's gonna tell Daphne.
Tell Daphne with all of us here? That's gonna be uncomfortable.
I know, but I guess he figures he can't afford to wait any longer.
All right, Niles. Niles, Niles, please.
- Daphne. - I know what you're gonna do.
- You do? - Not you, Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane.
- And you can't fire me because I quit. - What?
After all I've done to save you money.
I'm washing my face with dish soap
while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl.
I hope you rot in debtor's prison.
She's an angel.
I'll pick you up at 7, my angel.
You better get used to the name Evelyn Griebel.
Because you're gonna be hearing an awful lot of it around here.
Evelyn Griebel.
Sounds like music, doesn't it?
Haven't you only been dating her a week?
Well, yes. And you know how loathe I am to use the expression:
"She may be the one," but I think in this case it's appropriate.
Well, I finally got Maris calmed down. I hope you're happy.
All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?"
Yes, and now she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.
Yeah, I'll get that. It's probably Roz.
- Well? - Sorry I'm late, but I had a date.
Yes, I thought that was last night.
It was a good date.
How's your new girlfriend?
I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane,
and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude.
Is one of them nausea?
- Because I'm getting that right now. - Oh, shut up.
Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here.
Oh, nobody opened it.
Dear God, Dad, that's 3 years old. Throw it out.
No, it'll be fine. You sure you don't want any?
The labels says it's "famously spreadable."
Funny, Roz. Doesn't your label say the same thing?
What does yours say, Niles,
"may cause drowsiness"?
I'm just having some fun because I know I'll be settling down soon.
Yes, well, thank God my dating days are over.
Three years on the Seattle singles scene is quite enough, thank you.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Evelyn.
She can't go five minutes without talking to me.
Listen, I'm really looking forward to dinner tomorrow.
I see. Well, if tomorrow's no good, then...
I see.
But you said you were having such a lovely time.
I see.
Perhaps I better take this in my room.
Oh, what are you smirking at?
What are you staring at?
- It's 14. - What?
You're reading about Jack Russell terriers, right?
That's how many years they live.
Fourteen.
Oh, hello, Niles.
There are the merry bachelors in their swinging new pad.
- Where's Maris? - Ahh, she's taken to her bed.
This large-earring fad has compressed her spine.
Oh, well.
Where is your, uh, enchanting new home healthcare worker?
I just found out what that second toilet in my loo is for.
Talk about a shock.
- Hello there. - Hello. You're, uh...
Oh, don't tell me. I'm good with names. Uh...
Miles Crane.
Yes, I am. Yes.
And you're Daphne Moon from Manchester,
where you developed a liking for Knickerson's Lemon Biscuits.
What a kind man you are, Miles Crane.
Oh, by the way, I've invited Roz Doyle to join us.
She's my producer over at the radio station.
I had no plans this evening.
You know, I think the poor thing has a hard time meeting men.
Anyway.
- Would you care for a Scotch, Niles? - Uh, yes... Actually,
no, I'm in a sherry mood tonight.
Sherry?
What an intriguing idea.
I think I could scare up a bottle of sherry.
Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, hi. Roz, come on in. Uh, I'd like you to meet my dad.
This is Martin Crane and his home healthcare worker, Daphne Moon.
And, of course, this is my brother, Niles Crane.
Oh, my God, is it Niles?
Oh, I feel so embarrassed.
Oh, no, no, please, don't be. You know, actually, I prefer Miles.
Oh, that'll be my pizza. Would you get it?
What? You are not having pizza. I made a duck.
You're gonna tell me what I can eat now?
No, I'm just saying that it's rude to bring your own food to a dinner party.
- Hey. - Oh, hello.
- Twelve bucks. - Right.
Hey, aren't you that new radio shrink at KACL? Dr. Frasier Crane, right?
Yes, yes, I am. It's always nice to meet a fan.
I'm in the radio game myself.
This pizza thing's just paying the bills.
Maybe you could put a good word in for me...
Thanks again.
- Pizza smells good. - Well, have some.
It's called the Dirty Dozen.
Twelve delicious toppings, and not one of them duck.
This from the gourmet who dumped my Cornish Yarg cheese
- down the disposal. - It was covered with mold.
- It was supposed to be. - Well, I said I'd replace it, didn't I?
Well, here it is.
Hope you're happy.
With pasteurized, processed-cheese flavoured snack food.
Dear God,
looks like someone melted down a highway cone.
Just trying to be nice. You don't need to be a jerk about it.
You're right, Dad. I'm sorry. Thank you.
Would you please join me in the kitchen,
Miles?
He is driving me batty.
All right, we are making a deal.
He spends six months here and then he's moving into your house.
Absolutely. We'll switch off.
Someone bring me a beer?
Yeah, a beer sounds good.
I should have just gotten a keg.
I'll tell you something. This is the last time
I try to make a nice dinner for these people.
- Oh, hey, Dad. - Fras.
- Dinner's ready. - All right.
- Hello, you guys. Come on in. - Hi.
- Dinner is served. - Good to see you. Martin.